| September 25,
2006... Your Recommended Daily Allowance of
Fiber |
Those daily DDR sessions have really
paid off... I lost fifteen pounds since I started
playing the game last month! Now those are some serious
results!
So, have you heard the news about
fiberoptic microprocessors? Well, here's the deal...
engineers are working on a chip that uses light rather than
electricity to transfer data. What that means to you the
gamer is that future system will not only get
a jaw-dropping boost in speed, but will
consume less energy and generate less heat. Imagine
a handheld that rivals the Xbox 360 in performance, which
can last twenty hours on a single battery charge... or
a notebook computer that you can set on your lap for
hours on end without the risk of roasting your happy
apples.
There's just one issue that needs to be
addressed... compatibility. When you dig through the
layers of fancy graphic cards and high-capacity storage
options, you'll find an Intel processor that's not much
different from what we were using twenty years ago.
Sorry Mac fans, but that goes for you, too!
Intel's habit of building new features
on a foundation built in the early 1980's has
been a double-edged sword, offering users unprecedented
backward compatibility at the cost of technological
advancement. When fiberoptic chips hit the scene,
processor manufacturers like Intel will be forced to start
from scratch.
Even if they can make the new
processor mimic the behavior of the x86 chips of the past,
they'll have a devil of a time getting it to play nice with
legacy peripherals. Either the computers of the future
will have to be built with adapters to transfer data to that
MP3 player or LCD monitor (resulting in a marked drop in
performance), or all those old playthings will have to be
carted away and replaced, at a huge cost to the
consumer.
The transition's not going to be easy
for anybody, whether you're Bill Gates or Bill Jones from
across the street. However, with fiberoptic PCs expected
to be over a hundred times faster than today's technology, the
payoff will be worth the pain.
| September 22,
2006... Clover All Over (or, early God
Hand thoughts) |
For those of you who thought that
Viewtiful Joe was just a fluke, I've got news for 'ya! Clover
Studios is going to own the hearts and minds of Playstation 2
owners this year. It's not just because of Okami,
either! I took the game home earlier this week, and
after wading through the usual annoyances of
unskippable opening sequences and training stages, found it to
be worth the modest price.
Gamers have frequently compared Okami
to the later Zelda games; especially Wind Waker, which it most
closely resembles.
However, I've noticed inspiration from an
entirely different source. Every time I play Okami, I
can't help but think back to the golden days of Spyro the
Dragon, when Insomniac was still calling the shots and
each game was better than the last (rather than vice
versa). Maybe it's the four-legged hero, or the way
you collect items by shoulder-checking clay pots. I
don't know, but the feel is definitely there.
Whatever vibe you get from Okami,
you're sure to be glad that it's in your collection.
Make some space in that bookcase, though, because it won't be
the ONLY must-have title that Clover Studios
releases this year! If this footage of God
Hand is any
indication, the game will not only make amends for Capcom's
Final Fight: Streetwise, but all those other crummy 3D beat
'em ups released in the past couple of years.
God Hand
takes the musclebound machismo of the original Final
Fight and Streets of Rage and cranks it up to hilarious
levels. Merely thrashing thugs with punches and kicks
isn't enough... you've got to humiliate them by launching
their battered bodies through walls ("Say hi to the Kool-Aid
Man for me!") and taking them over your knee for a lightspeed
spanking. Now that's entertainment!
There's no guarantee that God Hand will
be a keeper, but at the near-budget price of $29.99, and
considering Clover's past track record (I won't mention Under
the Skin if you don't!), I'd be willing to give it a
shot. Heck, the super-spankings alone are worth the cost
of admission!
| September 19,
2006... Wii News: A Dish Best Served
Lukewarm |
Wow, when I said I'd be back in a week,
I really meant it! My cable television and internet went
out unexpectedly, stranding all my files on my desktop
computer... and just in time for the announcement of the
Nintendo Wii's price and release date! Oh joy!
I'll have
to copy my site editor over to my
wireless-enabled laptop in anticipation of the next time this
happens. However, the first order of business is to
catch up with the last week of news and offer my opinion of
the impending Wii launch.
I'll be blunt... my reaction to the
Wii's price tag and ever-dwindling list of features was a
creamy blend of disappointment and aggravation. Let's go
down the list, shall we?
- STICKER
SHOCK: Seriously, Nintendo... two hundred and
fifty dollars? I never expected the Wii to
retail for under two hundred bucks, but at the
same time, it's a little absurd to ask more than that
for what amounts to a GameCube with a jalepeņo shoved
up its tailpipe. Yes, it comes with a nifty remote
control. Yes, it comes with a pack-in game.
However, you're not getting much for your money when you
compare the Wii to the marginally more expensive Xbox 360
Core Unit.
- BORN (DVD)
FREE: Wait, this thing was supposed to play
DVDs, right? Come on, Nintendo, you promised!
When the system was first announced, Nintendo told us that
the Revolution could handle movies, no problem. Then
when the console became the Wii, you needed an optional
dongle to watch your favorite films. Now, it's got no
DVD functionality at all! Hey Nintendo, if you
wanted to make your system more appealing to
non-gamers, it's not such a hot idea to take away the
features that would appeal most to them.
- ONLY IN
AMERICA: Speaking of broken promises, let's
talk for a while about the most recent one. Clueless
Nintendo spokeswoman Perrin Kaplan told us that the Wii
would be region free, letting players experience a world of
games for the system. Only problem is, she was
completely wrong. After witnessing her mistake,
Nintendo of Europe was forced to step in to clean up her
mess, deflating everyone's expectations in the
process. This leads any sane and reasoning gamer to
wonder... why the hell is this woman still getting paid?
- THE PARTY'S
OVER: When is packing your game system with a
freebie a bad idea? When it pisses off your already
disillusioned third party supporters. Every time a Wii
is sold with a free game, an angel loses its wings.
Wait... a kitten dies, right? Oh, I remember
now! Developers like Capcom and Konami lose the
chance to sell one of their own games, at least until Wii
Sports loses its flavor. That's great for us, but not
good at all for the Wii's long-term
prospects.
| September 12,
2006... Pre-EEE Handheld
Computers |
Extra, extra... news feed on the top of
the page finally gets updated after who knows how long!
Read all about it! Then wait a week for the next
update!
So, what's going on at GRB
headquarters? I've been dipping my toe into
the high seas of pocket PCs, that's what! I
really like my new laptop computer, but it's just too heavy to
lug around with me to all my classes. The
solution? A more compact Compaq... a truly palm-sized
portable that I can stuff into my backpack with ease.
I bought a bunch of these systems on
eBay, hoping to find just the right one. I regret to say
that I struck out with the HP 620LX. It's an early
color handheld that looks like the dumpy love child of a PSP
and a Nintendo DS, with some extra genetic material donated by
a graphing calculator.
The HP 620LX is functional, but only
barely... it's got a sluggish processor, a screen that blurs
at the slightest movement, and a touchscreen that's more
adequately described as a smashscreen... you've got to
nearly drive the blasted stylus through the display in order
for your taps to register.
I know I can do better than this... and
fortunately, I'll be granted that opportunity. Over the
next two weeks, I'll be getting an iPAQ and two NEC
MobilePros. The MobilePros have faster processors and
higher-quality keyboards than Hewlett-Packard's dismal effort,
but I think that I'll ultimately be most happy with the
iPAQ. Whatever happens, you can be sure that I'll keep
you informed.
| September 6,
2006... RIP Steve Irwin (also, game
reviews) |
The most frustrating thing about Steve Irwin's
death (aside from the likelihood that his
old time slot will be filled by yet another
excruciating hour of The Planet's Funniest Animals)
is that there are already rumors of a Australian backlash
against stingrays. If this is in fact true, those
involved should be ashamed of
themselves! Nobody with half a brain could blame
the fish for defending itself against what it thought was a
predator. The late Crocodile Hunter knew better
than anyone else how a wild animal reacts to danger, and
I can tell you with absolute certainty that he wouldn't have
held such a childish grudge against the ray if he had survived
the encounter.
I guess I just have trouble
understanding the thought process that labels lions as
monsters for defending their territory, bears as monsters
for defending their cubs, and stingrays as monsters for
defending themselves, but lets
humans slaughter all of these creatures
without even a hint of remorse.
All right, now on to the video
games! Here's what I've been playing in the past
week...
BURNOUT REVENGE:
You know, I'm still not sure why I bought this for the Xbox
360. I considered the Xbox version of the game a
crushing disappointment, and expected Electronic Arts to
half-ass this port to a next-generation system, as they had
with nearly all of their sports titles. Fortunately,
Criterion understands what everyone else at EA doesn't... when
you pay $400 for a cutting edge console with all the
bells and whistles, you want those bells ringing and whistles
blowing at maximum volume.
Burnout Revenge fixes only a few of
the critical flaws in the Xbox release...
the visuals are still too dark and the developers have
done nothing to achieve a proper balance between skill and
reckless driving. So essentially, you're getting the
same game... yet it seems so much bigger and better than
before thanks to the turbocharged audiovisuals.
Collisions fill the screen with photorealistic debris and the
room with thunderous explosions, making you feel like you're
really there! Better bring along a helmet!
SHADOW OF THE
COLOSSUS: The best part of this award-winning
action game is that it grants the player more freedom than its
predecessor Ico. You're not dragging around an autistic
girl who's constantly pursued by demons, and you're not forced
to navigate through the cramped remains of a crumbling
castle... instead, you're granted total freedom as you hunt
for monsters in a vast landscape dotted with hills, mountains,
and towering monoliths. Actually, those wide open spaces
might be a little too wide and open for their own
good. You wouldn't think it would take a half hour to
track down a beast that stands over fifty feet fall,
but thanks to the seemingly endless environment,
it often does. At least you're rewarded for your
effort with breathtaking boss battles!
ULTIMATE GHOULS 'N
GHOSTS: Ratings of this game on web sites and
magazines have been relatively high, with 1UP's Jeremy Parish
being the only reviewer to bring down Metacritic's
average. Jeremy may be the sole voice of dissent among
professional game reviewers, but he's also the sole voice of
reason. The game looks fantastic, and the level design
is surprisingly complex considering the series' arcade
heritage. There's a hidden surprise tucked inside every
nook and cranny, but gathering all this
treasure isn't as fun as you might think. In fact,
the enjoyment vanishes completely once you've finished the
first stage. Sorry Capcom, but sturdier armor
doesn't make up for the game's
aggravating combination of overactive enemy spawn points
and instantly fatal traps. What is this, Ultimate Tiger
Road?
| September 1,
2006... The Dance Dance Workout Gets
Results! |
I'm still playing Dance Dance
Revolution on a daily basis... and after nearly three
weeks of cutting the plastic rug, I'm starting to
feel the benefits. My leg muscles have become
stronger and firmer, and my coordination has
noticably improved. I'm not quite skilled enough to
advance to the Medium level yet, but I've finished many of the
Light tracks, earning As and even AAs on several of
them.
Most importantly, I'm having fun.
Dance Dance Revolution Extreme is one of the smartest
gaming purchases I've made this year... it's more
user-friendly than DDRMAX, and it offers a sense of
accomplishment that I just can't get from any of the
other titles in my current gen collection. That's saying
a lot when I've got a combined total of over one
hundred Playstation 2, Xbox, and GameCube games!
So, what else happened during my
week-long absence? Well, I dropped by the local Wal-Mart
to pick up a quart of evil (they've always got it in
stock! Always!), and took a detour through the
electronics department. While checking out the prices in
the television aisle, I was bitten by the high-def bug...
hell, the damn thing clamped onto the back of my neck with its
sharp, crystal-clear pincers and wouldn't let go!
I've never felt that strongly about
high-definition television before. Then again, I've
never found a high-def set that retailed for under three
hundred dollars, either. When you throw in the fact that
my current television takes forever to warm up and is
probably on the verge of death, the upgrade to
high-def has never made more sense.
I thought long and hard about a
purchase, but was rescued at the last minute by my common
sense. He apologized for being gone when I bought that
laptop last week, then explained to me that if I was going
to buy a high-def set, I should take my time and do it
right. Why spend a fistful of C-notes on a cheap
Wal-Mart TV when a little more money and a few hours of
research would net me a much better product?
The next television I buy will almost
certainly be a high-def set. It will not only prepare me
for the FCC mandate in 2009, but will improve my gaming
experience right away. However, I've got plenty of time
to decide which television is right for me. It's not a
purchase I need to make right this minute... well,
unless the Sanyo finally dies on me, anyway.
| August 27,
2006... Taking It to the
Extreme |
After playing it for a couple of days,
I can understand why my friends recommended Dance Dance
Revolution Extreme to me. It's an all-around better game
than DDRMAX... the videos in the background are no longer
restricted to simple animations, and the arrows better match
up with the music, making the gameplay more user-friendly and
immersive.
While I'm on the subject of the
soundtrack, I noticed a lot more variety in the game's
selection of songs. You've got everything from the
traditional fast-paced techno players have come to expect from
the series to 80's pop, sometimes performed by the
original artists!
This is where the game hits its first
snag. You'd think that you could do no wrong
with music from such 80's icons as the Pet Shop Boys and Kim
Wilde, but the sad fact is that the songs just aren't as fun
to dance to as music especially designed for DDR. Older
songs modified for the series work pretty well too, like
the infectious techno remix of The Neverending
Story. Yeah, that corny kids' film with all the
stop-motion animation. Never fear, though... there are
no covers of songs from Mac 'n Me!
One of the reasons I purchased Dance
Dance Revolution Extreme is because I was assured that it was
easier to play than the punishing DDRMAX. After spending
a few hours with it, I'm convinced that this is only half
true. The game's more natural rhythm make your
dance steps flow more freely than they had in DDRMAX, but at
the same time, the arrows are more plentiful, forcing you to
constantly stay on the move to keep your meter out of the
red. The end result is higher scores, but a more
strenuous workout... which is why I suppose I started
playing the game in the first place!
So hey, there's a new review on the
site. Believe it or not, they're still making light gun
games... it's just a lot harder to get them started these
days. Hopefully that'll change once the Wii arrives, but
in the meantime, here's Time Crisis
3!
| August 25,
2006... Dance Night at the
Apollo |
Whoo, that was more than a little
embarassing. The Konami Calorie Crunch was always
skating on the thin ice of copyright infringement, but it took
two weeks and a friendly nudge from a reader before I realized
that the initials of my self-improvement project sounded a lot
like a previously existing organization. You might have
heard of them... they're well-known as pioneers in the fields
of inbreeding, arson, and wearing stupid-looking
hats.
I've addressed the issue with
a name change. The new title has all the DDR-riffic
alliteration of the original, without unpleasant
similarities to the bitter residue left behind after Abe
Lincoln scrubbed the country clean of the
Confederacy. I can offend my readers just fine without
any help, thank you very much!
Just one more thing before I go.
Well, actually, it's two things... namely, Summon Night for
the Game Boy Advance and a new Dance Dance Revolution title
for the Playstation 2. Summon Night is a Japanese
action-RPG with way too much RPG and not nearly enough
action. Really, do we need all this exposition before
the game actually begins? Sure, the writing is pretty
clever (an Atlus trademark!) but it's hard to sit through it
when it's accompanied by a grating 8-bit quality
soundtrack.
I haven't had the chance to step up to
Dance Dance Revolution Extreme, but I look forward to the
opportunity. I've been told by friends that the game
shows more mercy to newbies than DDRMAX, and the addition of
EyeToy enhancements might just give me an excuse to dig the
crusty old camera out of the box of forgotten game
peripherals.
| August 23, 2006... This
Is My Lab! And This Is My
LABRUNIE! |
Stephanie Labrunie has given me yet
another reason to hate cell phone gaming. In a
recent interview, the representative from cell phone game
developer I-play crowed that video games
for cellular phones would outsell traditional
console games this year. That wouldn't be too hard,
considering that your average (actually, well below
average) cell phone title sells for a tenth of the price of a
REAL video game.
Steffie added salt to the wound by
claiming that console gaming is just a niche market, and
that cell phone games are intended for a more mainstream
audience. This could just be my bias talking, but since
when is a multi-billion dollar industry a "niche"
market? Electronic Arts alone has grown so enormous
that even Viacom, a major player in the entertainment industry
and the owner of at least a dozen television networks,
couldn't afford to buy it... and that was BEFORE EA's
acquisition of JamDat!
Besides, even if cell phones
are destined to become a mainstream market for video
games, it's still not the ideal way to play them. The
cell phone market is frustratingly fragmented... even if
you do find a game you like, there's a strong chance that you
either won't be able to play it on your phone model, or
that your service carrier won't offer it. If you manage
to clear all these hurdles, you'll still have to deal with a
tiny screen, a cramped keypad, and hardware that's
overshadowed by dedicated video game technology.
In my humble opinion, cell phone
"games" are just bling. They're only marginally more
entertaining than wallpapers and ringtones, and not even
as practical. They're just there to show off to your
friends... to remind them of how far technology has
advanced since the days when they had to walk three
miles to an arcade (in the snow, uphill both ways) to play
Burgertime or The King of Fighters. Even more
advanced cell phone titles like Prince of Persia: The Two
Thrones are short, simple, and ultimately unsatisfying... no
match for similar releases on the DS or even the
aging Game Boy Advance.
So hey, maybe Steffie is right.
Maybe you'll look more cool when you play
primitive pseudo-games on your cell phone... if you can keep
yourself from screaming at the screen when your
microscopic hero falls off a cliff for the thirty-sixth time,
anyway. However, once you compare the experience to
playing games on systems designed especially for them, you're
sure to agree that it's hip to be square, as well as a lot
more fun!
| August 19,
2006... Dance Dance Bullet
Time |
This version of Dance Dance Revolution
may just work out for my workouts after all! I just
discovered the training mode (not to be confused with the
tutorial mode), and it makes the game a lot more forgiving, as
well as surprisingly customizable. By slowing down the
music, I was able to clean up on tracks that had once put me
through the ringer.
Sure, all the perky female singers
transform into Cher and Grace Jones, but it's nevertheless
worth shifting the game into second gear. Before, the
tracks were either too laid back or impossible to finish, but
for the first time ever, I felt like I was getting an honest
workout from Dance Dance Revolution. I'm just as happy
that I can finally enjoy more than a small handful of
tracks.
Now onto the latest gaming
news!
Uh, wait. WHAT gaming
news? Nintendo still refuses to reveal the price of
the Wii, the Playstation 3 controller still isn't
finished, and PCs burst into flames if you even TRY to play
video games on them. That just
leaves Microsoft's Xbox 360, and my attempts to
build an suitable arcade controller for it. The first
time I took a crack at this, I made a joystick with
leftover parts and a third-party pad. That...
didn't work out as well as I hoped.
It'll only take a few spare
microswitches to get the stick up to speed, but
I'd be happier with a Sega Arcade Pad. I
started work on one earlier today, but found that this
conversion demands a great deal more precision than the last
one. You've working with smaller components, and it's
tough to set up the wires without them getting in the way
of the contacts. And oh yeah, you've got to remove
the IC from the Sega Arcade Pad... fail to do so and you're
likely to blow out a circuit on the host controller.
Believe me, I know!
I also know that this won't be easy,
but in the end, I think it'll be worth the effort and
expense. Besides, have you seen the alternative? I'll take a homemade pad over that thing
any day!
| August 16, 2006... Lord
of the Dancemat |
I haven't posted an update for a few
days, but I haven't missed a step with Dance Dance
Revolution!
I just wish the game wouldn't step all
over me. I could only complete around six of the
game's forty-odd songs... even in the so-called "Light" mode,
the rest of the tracks flood the screen with arrows, making it
impossible for me to keep up with the frantic action.
I complained about this to a friend
who's spent countless hours with the Dance Dance Revolution
series, and he explained to me that DDRMAX wasn't an ideal
game for newcomers. I can believe it... the damn game is
ruthless!
I'll have to track down a less
demanding version of the game; possibly 2nd Mix for the
Dreamcast. Sure, it doesn't look any better than the DDR
games released for the original Playstation, but dude, it's on
the DREAMCAST! I just can't pass up an opportunity
to get some use out of my favorite ill-fated game
console, even if that means turning it into a yellowing,
dust-covered Richard Simmons.
All right, now that the Dance Dance
Revolution rambling out of the way, it's time for
the good stuff. Like poker? Want to save yourself
ten dollars? Then I suggest that you log onto Xbox Live
sometime today and download Texas Hold 'Em. The game
will be available to ALL Xbox Live subscribers for the
unbeatable price of free-ninety-free. I
never hopped aboard the tournament poker craze,
getting the itch for card games out of my system at an early
age, but this is a deal even I can't pass up!
| August 13, 2006... Trip
the Lights Bombastic |
It's the second day of the Konami
Kalorie Krunch, and according to the workout mode, I burned a
whopping twenty-two calories in today's session. Wait,
what? That can't be right! I played through four
songs, and I only burned enough calories to take two
Lifesavers off my waist? But I thought it only took a
hearty laugh to burn through three calories!
Family Matters told me so, and my favorite schmaltzy
sitcom from the early 90's has never lied to me
before! Oh Steve Urkel, why have you forsaken me?!
Oh well, it wasn't a complete waste of
time. I'm finding more and more things to like about
Dance Dance Revolution... at this rate, it'll probably be the
first game since Tony Hawk's Pro Skater that
will convince me to master a new, unfamiliar style of
gameplay to squeeze the most enjoyment out of it. That's
why the Konami Kalorie Krunch will kontinue... even if I'm not
actually losing any calories.
But of course, man cannot live on
brightly colored dance mats alone. What else have I been
playing lately? Well, between DDR sessions, my time has
been evenly split between the frantic puzzle action of
Bombastic and the demos recently released for the Xbox
360. Bombastic is the sequel to the Playstation game
Devil Dice, which started its life as a homebrew
game created with the Yaroze development
system. Sony was so impressed with Devil Dice that they
released it as an official Playstation title.
After spending some quality time with
Bombastic, I can see why. Actually, the game isn't all
that appealing when you're playing it in the original Xi
(Devil Dice) mode, where the dice simply melt into the ground
after you've matched them. No, it's only when the dice
are packed with explosives that things really get
exciting.
As a chubby harlequin with horns,
you've got to not only roll dice together to match the
numbers on their faces, but steer clear of the matches
you've already made. In a tip of the hat to Bomberman,
matched dice grow hot and explode, shooting flames in four
directions. Any like-numbered dice in the path of the
explosion will also catch fire, opening the door to
magnificent chain reactions!
It takes a while to get the hang of
Bombastic, but there's little confusion in Xbox 360 games like
Ninety-Nine Nights and Dead Rising. Button-mashing
genocide is the order of the day in both games, but Dead
Rising comes out on top with a more open, varied, and
interactive environment. Why run through an
endless stretch of hilly terrain when you can slaughter
zombies in a vast mall, using such unlikely weapons as
electric guitars and bowling balls?
| August 12,
2006... Dance,
Sucker! |
It's funny... in April, I was chomping
at the bit to finish my classes, but now I'm just as eager to
get out of the house and go back to college. A
summer of inactivity has left me soft, flabby, and in
desperate need for a way to shape up. With no interest
in traditional sports, I only had one option to keep my
waistline in check.
If I wanted to stop myself from
reaching the danger zone of morbid obesity-- the point where I
couldn't look at myself in the bathroom mirror without
protective eyewear-- I had to hit the dance floor. Or
more accurately, the dance pad that's seen even less action
that I have in the past three months.
I've never been what you'd call
a Dance Dance Revolution expert... heck, it was a
struggle for me to get through the training mode when I first
bought the game last summer! However, I'm willing to
learn the ropes if I can drop a few pounds in the
process. Over the next month, I vow to give my long
neglected pad as well as myself a workout, playing thirty
minutes of Dance Dance Revolution MAX each day.
Today, I went back to the training mode
to give myself a refresher course in all things DDR. I
was astonished at just how deep the game's play mechanics
really are... it's easy to convince yourself from
watching other players that Dance Dance Revolution
is just a bunch of random arrow stomping, but the
tutorial makes it clear that it takes rythym, coordination,
and even strategy to succeed. Sure, you can
just flatten the arrows as they hit the top of the
screen, but if you don't want to trip over yourself, you'll
have to set your feet on the mat in anticipation of the arrows
on the bottom.
I started playing Dance Dance
Revolution again out of necessity. However, with some
practice and persistence, I may stop looking at it as part of
an important exercise regimen and start looking forward to the
experience as a fun way to pass the time.
| August 9,
2006... Lieberman Lost The Battle, But Not
The War |
I've been waiting eighteen years for
this
news! Looks like
Lieber-dweeb just squeezed his last drop of Joe-mentum out of
demonizing the video game industry. He's vowed to run as
an independent, but few politicians are ever successful
without first pledging their alliegiance to either the
Democrats (which Joseph Lieberman claims to be) or the
Republicans (which Joe actually is).
On top of that, former president Bill
Clinton has vowed that he would throw his support behind
Connecticut primary winner Ned Lamont if Lieberman runs as an
independent. Voters are getting awfully nostalgic
for the days when gas prices were affordable and the
country wasn't being run by a self-centered, war-crazed,
poop-flinging monkey. If Ned Lamont can strengthen his
ties to Clinton, and if Lieberman can't shake his own
association with the worst president of the 21st century, the
only house Joe will be elected to is the Sterling
Glen retirement home!
With that floppy-faced,
moralizing, thoroughly incompetent dumbass out of
office, and Jack Thompson thoroughly discredited, it looks
like gamers will have a great year ahead of them... as long as
Rockstar doesn't toe the line of good taste and flare the
temper of some other desperate
politician hunting for easy political
prey.
Off that subject, I spent the better
part of Monday on a project I found on the Gamers'
Reports web
site. When you've just downloaded Street Fighter II:
Hyper Edition for your Xbox 360 and you're in need of a
joystick, you're willing to do just about anything...
including tearing apart some of your old
controllers.
What I've done is bring together the
controls of a Pelican Real Arcade joystick and the circuit
board of a cheap MadCatz gamepad. After hours
of careful soldering, I was able to transform them
into a functional Xbox 360 joystick.
The finished product isn't perfect...
the guide button doesn't work, and I couldn't figure
out a way to connect the analog triggers to the
joystick's two remaining buttons. Also, I cut a few
corners while making the stick...I probably could have fed the
microphone port into the slot you see on the right,
originally intended for Xbox memory cards. Instead, I
just glued it down to hold the circuit board in place,
figuring that I could use a headset on my wireless
controller if I felt the need for it.
Despite all that, the
Frankenstick works pretty well... it may be pieced
together from spare parts, but when you set it on your
lap and play a few games with it, it certainly
doesn't FEEL that way. The controller is acceptable for
a couple of rounds of Street Fighter II, although a Sega
Saturn pad and its superior diagonal response would
be much better suited for this purpose (a converter is in the works, but it isn't yet
available to the public).
However, the custom-made joystick
really earns its keep in older arcade games like Joust,
Galaga, and Robotron: 2084. It's actually got me
thinking about purchasing the full version of Galaga from Xbox
Live Marketplace, even though I can't count the number of
times I've already bought that game for other
systems!
If you already read about this mod and
had your doubts about it, I can tell you from personal
experience that it really does work. If you've
got an acute fear of soldering and enough money for the
official Dead or Alive 4 stick, you're probably better
off buying that instead. However, if you're handy with
an iron and have the time and discarded joysticks to spare,
you really ought to give this a try. It was almost as
fun building the Frankenstick as it is to use it!
| August 4, 2006... So
Much for the Talkcast! |
I'm rethinking this whole talkcast
business. That's not to say that I won't offer
some kind of audio commentary in the future,
but a spoken transcript of the latest update doesn't seem to
be much of a draw. Someone on the forum suggested audio
reviews instead, and it's an idea that's worth
considering.
Speaking of reviews, there's a new one
on the Blitz! It's strictly old school, written in text
rather than spoken out loud, but I have a feeling you'll enjoy
it all the same. I've also updated the recommended lists
of both the Playstation 2 and its kid brother, the PSP.
If you're looking for something to rent for either system over
the weekend, I'd suggest you give those sections of the Sony
page a look.
| July 31,
2006... Virtual Console: Less Exciting
Than Advertised |
No talkcast today, folks.
Instead, I've got a bundle of new
reviews in the Game
Boy Advance section of the site. About time,
huh?
One more thing before I go... there was
a great
drawing published
on the game news journal Kotaku, illustrating the many
possibilities offered by the Wii's Virtual Console
System. It turns out that the picture in question wasn't
actually created by Nintendo, but it's so magnificent that
I've just got to provide a link to it. See how many
classic video game characters YOU can spot!
| July 27, 2006... Uno!
(plus a few other Xbox Live Arcade
titles) |
It's been a month since I've used the
Xbox Live service, but a relaxing game of Uno earlier
this evening has made me realize why I subscribed in the first
place. Uno's laid back atmosphere breeds the
kind of friendly competition that you won't find in the
vast majority of Xbox 360 titles, making it the most
appealing online game I've ever played. There's no
screaming, no bragging, no obnoxious behavior... it's just a
handful of guys huddled around a virtual table, each
trying to get rid of a handful of cards. It couldn't be
more simple, and yet you couldn't ask for more.
While I was online, I took the
opportunity to sample some of the latest demos on the
Xbox Live Marketplace. While its silly graphics and
the Lost Vikings-inspired gameplay had originally left me with
mixed feelings, I've got to admit that Cloning Clyde won me
over after the first few minutes. The level design is
sprinkled with just a touch of genius... in addition to the
usual switch flipping and button pushing, there are rockets
that serve the dual purpose of blowing up stone barriers and
carrying your dim-witted dopplegangers to new
locations. At ten dollars, it's a little more expensive
than the usual Xbox Live Arcade release, but there's enough
platforming goodness here to justify the markup.
Frogger and Galaga, on the other hand,
have long since passed their respective expiration
dates. Konami has at least made an effort to update
Frogger for the 21st century, hiring Digital Eclipse to touch
up the dated visuals, but there's a trade-off... you lose a
lot of the great background music from the original arcade
game, and unlike the conversions of Frogger on Konami Arcade
Classics for the Game Boy Advance, nobody bothered to replace
them with anything else.
Then there's Galaga, a straight arrow
conversion of the twenty five year old arcade game. That
should be comforting to the old codgers like myself whose
idea of the perfect online experience is a few rounds of Uno,
but what about everyone else? I'll bet demons to
diamonds that the average Xbox 360 owner was born AFTER this
game was released. Namco (shudder) Bandai should have
set their sights a little higher for this one, even if it
meant raising the price. As it is now, it's barely
worth the going rate for a song on iTunes.
The selection of software is far from
airtight, but the opportunity to test drive games before you
take them off the lot makes Xbox Live as
important a part of the Xbox 360 as the wireless controller or
that ginormous power supply you keep hidden behind your
television set. However, if they hope to compete with
the Nintendo Wii and its own Virtual Console, Microsoft is
going to have to step up its game, bringing more and better
titles to the Xbox Live Arcade. One game a week just
isn't going to cut it, especially when they're barebones
conversions of arthritic arcade titles like Galaga.
| July 22,
2006... Liberty and MAME For
All |
Before I begin, I'd like to share
this
clip with you.
It's the only Macintosh commercial you'll ever
need.
All right, now down to business.
I haven't been keeping up with the latest console games
(mostly because I haven't been able to afford them!), so I've
been playing catch up with the underground scene... those
homebrew and emulator releases that I've neglected for the
past couple of months.
Perhaps the most surprising of these
releases was MAME4ALL. Past attempts to bring the
all-purpose arcade emulator to game consoles were miserable
failures... up to this point, there wasn't a single port of
MAME on the Dreamcast or PSP that was worth more than five
minutes of my time. However, all that changed with
MAME4ALL. Even on the aging Dreamcast,
it's very impressive. The interface makes starting
games painless (although it's a bit more complicated
getting OUT of them), and the emulation of 8-bit classics
like Donkey Kong and Pac-Man is nearly airtight.
You only start to see the emulator's
full potential when you play it on a more powerful system,
like the Gizmondo. Wait, did I just say that the
GIZMONDO had more muscle than the Dreamcast? I
think I'm gonna be sick. Before I grab that barf
bag, let me just say that this version of MAME4ALL is
easier to use, and runs even Capcom's visually intense
coin-ops from the late 1980's at full speed. There's
only one thing missing... accurate sound emulation.
There is sound here, but the scratchiness and constant
pauses make you think that Beavis and Butthead are
hovering over your shoulder, beatboxing to the onscreen
action. It's a sensation that's every bit as
uncomfortable as it sounds.
The poor sound quality, and the
unlikelihood that this issue will ever be fixed on a system as
esoteric as the Gizmondo, has got me desperate for one of two
things. I'm hoping that someone will either crack the
PSP's latest firmware update, or that I'll be able to afford a
GP2X in the near future. I had a PSP reserved especially
for homebrew gaming, but was forced to sell it to pay for my
Xbox 360. Oblivion, bless its delicious cream-filled
heart, has made that a decision I do not regret.
What I am a little
embarassed about is updating my second PSP with the
latest firmware. If I'd kept the system at
2.60, I could have used the downgrader to bring it back down
to a homebrew-friendly 1.50, but noooo, I had to head
straight to 2.70 to get the Flash support... "support"
that turns the average episode of Homestar Runner into a
slideshow.
I could buy another PSP when I have the
cash for it, but why? I'd rather sink my teeth into
that Korean handheld that's become the homebrew community's
new darling. The thought of buying Swap Meet Louie (and
for two hundred dollars, no less!) makes me a little
apprehensive, but reviews of the GP2X suggest that it's
better suited to old-school gaming than the blur-riffic PSP,
despite a lower clock speed.
I'd take a chance with the system, but
my current financial situation (read: I'm broke) prevents me
from doing that. Say, would anyone out there be willing
to trade their GP2X for my Neo-Geo? It's barely used...
and I mean that.
| July 19,
2006... The GRB Talkcast Didn't Last Long,
Did It? |
EDITOR'S NOTE: I've given
some consideration to starting a GRB podcast.
However, filling in for Chris Larson on the Stage Select
news cast has made it clear that I get a serious
case of the umms and ahhs when I'm not working from a
script. On top of that, I wanted to offer something
different from all the other gaming sites out there. So
here it is... the GRB Talkcast! It's a spoken transcript
of the latest site update, which should add a touch of spice
to the commentary and let sight impaired readers get the most
out of the Blitz, without cranking up the font
size.
One of the editors of Gameworld Network
sees a grim future ahead for the PSP. I don't share that
vision... in fact, I stand by my opinion that the system's
sales will only improve once the Playstation 3 hits the market
with a resounding thud. At nearly one third the
price of Sony's latest console, the PSP will be the only
way for most gamers to afford the latest installments of
Ratchet & Clank, God of War, and Gran Tourismo. Hey,
I imagine it'll be released for the system someday!
However, I do agree that the immediate
future will be rough for the PSP... and Sony's doing very
little to alleviate the problem. In response to the news
that major retail chains will no longer carry UMD movies,
Sony's done the most stupid thing imaginable by selling them
on memory sticks instead. Memory sticks are even more
expensive than UMDs, and anyone with even a sliver of
experience with computers can transfer their favorite DVDs to
ordinary memory sticks, saving themselves a ton of money in
the process.
It's like Sony is trying to sell
gallons of milk to people who already have the cow at
home. The PSP was specifically designed so that you
don't need to buy movies you already own... you can
take your film collection with you, with just a little
work and a reasonably sized memory stick. They've got to
realize this... hell, they MADE the damn thing in the first
place! Yet Sony insists on selling films over the
counter for the PSP.
However, Sony still has room to make a
few mistakes. After all, Sega was able to get away with
the Sega CD before they pressed their luck with the 32X.
I doubt anyone's still upset over that dumb card
reader Nintendo released for the Game Boy Advance, or
SNK's failed attempt to step into the 21st century with the
Hyper Neo-Geo 64. With this in mind, it's clear
that Sony has plenty of time to get its act together. It
all depends on how many slaps to the back of the head it will
take before the company pulls the reigns on Ken Kutaragi and
takes the Playstation brand name in the right
direction.
| July 17,
2006... Guest Editorial: A DRM Come
True |
Today's editorial has been brought
to you by John Roche, a long-time contributor to the
site. Feel free to contact him about at john.boyce.roche@gmail.com if you have any questions or
comments. John welcomes all feedback, but can't
guarantee responses to every letter he
receives.
Disclaimer: I am certainly no friend
to Sony. I have not (yet) done anything to put myself in
their crosshairs, but I'm only 25. Also, I apologize for
any bizarre comic book references.
Apparently, there was a big brouhaha
about Sony making a patent in 2000 regarding the "coupling" of
a given copy of a game to a given system. The purpose of
the patent would be to cut off used game sales and
rentals at the knees. Rumors of this patent being
implemented in the PS3 have been running rampant. I
don't think that this is going to happen for the
following reasons:
1) Nintendo and Microsoft are
not that lucky.
(Hell,
Bizarro-Atari and Earth-3 Sega would not be that
lucky.)
Customers have become accustomed to a
certain level of- for lack of a better term- convenience where
gaming is concerned. They have a reasonable
expectation of being able to use the same game disc on
multiple systems. If Sony were to shatter this
expectation, it would have a significant effect on their
bottom line. The GameFAQs community alone would probably
charge the SCEA, SCEE, and SCEI offices for this offense.
2) Copy protection-related
wounds are still raw.
Between the issues with Star Force's
horrible copy protection scheme (in which the CD-ROM drive was
forced to run in a barely-functional mode which could
significantly shorten its life) and Sony's own rootkit issues
with their music CD's, copy protection-related squabbles are
not something Sony wants to have right now.
3) It's not something that
could easily be done (if at all).
Unless each individual disc has a
code that would only correspond to a particular serial number
on a PS3, it would not likely be possible to implement this
lockout. I believe this may have been done with Phantasy
Star Online for the Dreamcast. However, a lot of users
might not have their systems online, so this might not work
quite as well. Furthermore, even if every user were
online, Sony would have a frustrating time trying to keep
track of every single game in their database.
4) It would violate a
precedent Sony actually had a hand in
implementing.
Oddly enough, before the dark times,
Sony had a role in securing the right of first sale, whereby
the purchaser of a particular good can do as he will with it
(as long as his desired action does not violate any
laws). While it would not surprise me that Sony would
think of doing this, I don't quite believe that even they
would be cynical enough to do this.
5) Sony Computer
Entertainment Europe said it wouldn't be
done.
So there you have it, I guess.
Until we hear otherwise, it's likely that this will not be
done. And once it is, the GameFAQs boards will run red
with flamebait.
| July 12,
2006... Attack of the Radioactive Hedgehogs
from a Planet Near
Mars |
Recently, I was reading a thread on
another forum about Sega's unfortunate Shadow the
Hedgehog. It didn't take long for the topic to shift to
a more broad discussion of Sonic the Hedgehog's steady decline
over the past fifteen years.
For the last five of those years, I've
been at least peripherally involved in the dreaded furry
community (I regret nothing! NOTHING!). During
that time, I've seen artwork of hundreds of hedgehog
characters... they're almost never realistic depictions of the
spiny rodent, but rather blatant clones of Sonic,
with new colors and clothing being their sole
distinguishing characteristics.
Each of these cheesy fan-made
clones seems less original than the last, and by the time
you've seen a hundred of them, you've seen enough. The
last thing you want is for these Sonic knockoffs to find their
way into the actual series, yet that's exactly what seems to
have happened in the past five years. In fact, some of
Sonic's official cousins make the bargain brand clones seem
brilliant by comparison!
I do understand the motivation for all
these new characters. Sega wants its flagship
series to adapt and evolve along with the industry, but they
don't want Sonic to grow along with it, fearing that players
will reject anything but a "pure" experience. When
they dream up a new ability for the Sonic games, they
wrap a new character around it... usually a palatte-swap
or hero who somehow manages to look like Sonic despite
being a member of a completely different
species.
As a result, the Sonic the Hedgehog
roster has exploded into a cast of dozens, including
characters so generic (Silver, Shadow) and unappealing (Rogue,
Vector, Big) that they make the games they star in less
enjoyable, even when you're not actually using them. As
Penny Arcade once observed, all these new heroes fracture the
gameplay of the latest Sonic the Hedgehog games, leaving you
with 20% classic Sonic action and 80% filler.
The decision to
introduce new play mechanics with a Sonic
stand-in is typical Sega behavior... cowardly and
indecisive. Rather than hiding behind a horde of
homogenized hedgehogs, the developers should show enough
confidence in their ideas to give them to Sonic himself, like
what Nintendo has done in the past with Mario. If Sega
continues to cough up second-rate characters like Silver
and Shadow, it will only take three more games before Sonic
The Hedgehog starts to look like an episode of The Smurfs.
| July 10,
2006... Segagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagaga... |
I found this clip of the Japanese Dreamcast release Segaga over
at Insert Credit. In it, the hero battles a progression
of increasingly powerful Sega game systems, from the lowly
SG-1000 to the company's most popular Japanese console, the
Saturn. Now that's what I call must see TV!
In other news, it sounds like the
rumored Microsoft Xboy is actually going to happen,
except it's codenamed Argo and will offer games as a
secondary feature (you know, just like the PSP!
Yes, I went there). I wish I could say I had my doubts
about this system, but if the Argo launches with Halo,
you just know people are going to line up around the block for
one.
| July 5, 2006... A
Shitty Connection |
Don't get me wrong, I really like
Google. However, I can't say I enjoyed their
celebration of Independence Day. The search engine's
special 4th of July logo reminded me a little too much
of that crappy NES game I made the mistake of renting
fifteen years ago...
| July 4,
2006... The Worst Arcade Ports in
History |
IGN recently published a list of the
all-time worst arcade translations, which has come under fire
by some video game enthusiasts. One of
those enthusiasts just happens to be me. I haven't
seen a feature this critically flawed since, well, the
LAST one IGN published!
However, instead of just sitting here
and bitching about it, I'm going to make things right by
offering my own list of lousy coin-op conversions.
And awaaaay we go!
STREET FIGHTER
II
GameBoy
Some systems just aren't suited to
reproducing the latest and greatest arcade titles. The
GameBoy scaled the very top of the mountain of wimpy consoles
the minute it was released, but that didn't stop Capcom
and Nintendo from making a GameBoy adaptation
of Street Fighter II. After all, the game was as
popular in the early 1990's as it was resource hungry,
and the two companies couldn't pass up a chance at milking the
cash cow for a few extra bucks. Since Nintendo and
Capcom were more concerned with making money than making an
advanced fighting game fit into the cramped confines of an
underpowered handheld, Street Fighter II turned out the
only way it could have on the GameBoy... poorly.
Frankly, those Hong Kong pirates with three dozen
palette-swapped characters play a better game of Street
Fighter than this.
MORTAL KOMBAT
Sega
CD
People were so spellbound by the gorier
warriors in Mortal Kombat that they didn't even notice the
mediocrity under the thick coat of blood. That goes
double for the sad Genesis version of the game, and
triple for its kid brother on the Sega CD. In
an interview with Electronic Games magazine, the
incompetant dopes at Probe Software were quick to dispel
rumors that the Sega CD version of Mortal Kombat would be a
quantum leap ahead of its Genesis counterpart. Once the
game was released, it became obvious why. Probe just
took the Genesis version, complete with its supermodel-thin
characters, limited color depth, and laughably anticlimactic
fatalities, and threw in some redbook audio, a commercial, and
oh yeah... game-killing bugs that put the Sega CD on ice in
the middle of a match. Wow, it's the first version of
Mortal Kombat that actually performs a finishing move on your
game system!
RAIDEN TRAD
Super
NES
Hey, Electrobrain! Don't you mean
Raiden TRASH? Oh yes, I'm so very clever. But
seriously ladies and germs, this game brought to mind painful
memories of the early days of the NES, when nearly
every third-party title felt third-rate.
It's not a coincidence, because Raiden Trad was developed by
Micronics, those numbskulls responsible for unspeakable
8-bit horrors like Super Pitfall, Winter Games, and
Hydlide. The 16-bit power of the Super NES broadened
Micronics' horizons slightly, but all the cutting edge
hardware in the world couldn't rescue them from their own
stunted development as game designers. With its dull
color palette and choppy scrolling, Raiden Trad looks like the
kind of game Micronics should have released on the
NES in 1988.
BERZERK
Vectrex
It just goes to show how desperate
Vectrex fans were for games when this atrocity is frequently
listed as one of their favorite titles. Berzerk
isn't just a bad conversion of the influential Stern
coin-op... it's barely passable as a game, falling to pieces
ten minutes after you start it. Once the score starts
glitching, you know a crash is just around the
corner. "But what makes the game an awful arcade port,"
you ask? What, having your game freeze up after twelve
rounds isn't enough for you? Well, how's this?
There's flicker galore, the gameplay slows to a crawl
when there are a lot of onscreen enemies, and oh yeah...
remember how cool Evil Otto's voice was in the arcade
game? Well, I hope you do, 'cuz you won't be hearing it
here!
GORF
ColecoVision
Like a pack of cigarettes (and just as
toxic!), this game should have came with a Surgeon General's
warning. The label would read, "Any resemblence to the
arcade version of Gorf is purely coincidential." You'd
be hard pressed to find any similarities between this
mistranslated mess and the intense Midway shooter that
flirted so daringly with copyright infringement. Let's
forget for a minute that the ColecoVision port of Gorf is
missing the Galaxians stage and all that charmingly
ridiculous voice synthesis... after all, most of the other
versions didn't have those features, either. What's
really important here is that everything else has changed, and
not for the better. Every stage is pitch black, the new
enemies come in one flavor (extra chunky), there's a
bewilderingly cheerful new soundtrack, and it looks like the
Gorfian empire stopped building the flagship days
before it was actually finished.
TIME
KILLERS
Genesis
Forget for a minute that the arcade
game was already incredibly crappy. When it comes to
fighting game failures, it's the student that outsucks the
master. In fact, Time Killers on the Genesis gave
arcade-goers a whole new appreciation for the time-hopping,
limb-chopping, anything-but-chart-topping arcade title by
Strata. The Genesis game was developed by T*HQ, which at
the time mistook the term "quality control" for "quality
prevention." Their low-to-the-floor standards were
illustrated by Time Killers' garish color scheme, unreliable
control (with or without a six button
controller) and a cast of characters so tiny, you half
expect to find a free magnifying glass in the box.
Time Killers was delayed for two years before it finally found
its way to the Genesis. It's a safe bet that gamers
would have been happy waiting another twenty or
thirty.
SAMURAI SHODOWN
3
Playstation
You wanna know what gave the
Playstation such a terrible reputation as a 2D game
console? The answer is as close as the nearest copy of
Samurai Shodown 3. The game was already a pretty big
letdown after the lofty peak of Samurai Shodown 2... the last
thing it needed was for its animation to be sliced in half,
yet that's exactly what happened when it was ported to the
Playstation in 1996. And oh yeah, we can't forget about
those lovely access times! They're more
tolerable than what you'd find on the Neo-Geo CD, but SNK
should have been aiming a whole lot higher than that!
Between Samurai Shodown 3, Darkstalkers, and X-Men vs. Street
Fighter, it's no wonder it took years of atonement for
the Playstation to redeem itself in the eyes of
old-school fighting game fans.
HARD DRIVIN'
Atari
Lynx
Hard Drivin' is many things...
groundbreaking, innovative, daring, and cutting edge.
One thing it isn't is easily ported to home game
systems. Over fifteen years after its arcade
debut, developers still haven't brought Hard
Drivin' to home consoles without crashing into
technological limitations. Regardless of the system, you
could always count on Hard Drivin' having a low frame rate and
the slowest driving action this side of Roseanne Barr on a
Hoveround. However, the Atari Lynx threw in a few more
unwelcome surprises, including a convoluted control scheme and
the system's chunky resolution. Next to the sharply
rendered polygons of the arcade game, the Lynx version of Hard
Drivin' looks like it was pulled straight from the stone
age. Take Fred Flintstone's advice and
yabba-dabba-don't.
PIT FIGHTER
Super
NES
This isn't a game. It's more like
the framework of a game, ripped from the developers'
hands and put on store shelves before they could advance
to the beta stage of its design. In the
past, underground writers were afraid to express such
opinions, worried that they might step on T*HQ's delicate
toes and risk legal threats from Nintendo (yes, this
actually did happen once). Now that the Super NES is
dead and buried and nobody takes Nintendo's seal of quality
(or cease and desist letters) seriously anymore, I'm
free to shout Pit Fighter's inadequacies from the
mountaintops. The game's got scrawny
characters, jerky animation, missing cinema scenes,
and you can't even continue after you die. Not that
you'd want to play it past the first nigh-unbeatable opponent
or anything.
PAC-MAN
practically
everything
It's a sad irony that the most
successful arcade game of all time would also be the most
consistently ruined arcade conversion. Pac-Man has
disappointed gamers from the day he arrived on the Atari 2600
to his debut on 21st century consoles like the Playstation 2
and GameCube. Atari's game, with its seizure-inducing
flicker and a fitting brown and yellow color scheme, is the
best remembered and least enjoyed of the lot. But what
about the dark, drab NES version of Pac-Man by
Tengen? Or the Atari Lynx adaptation of Ms. Pac-Man,
with characters that look like single-cell
organisms? Or the surprisingly inferior conversions
included in Namco Museum for the Nintendo 64 and
Dreamcast? Yes, the Dreamcast. If you
can't make a picture-perfect port of Pac-Man on the Dreamcast,
you're doing something seriously wrong.
See, Craig? Now THAT'S the way
you do
it!